Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I miss that.
And I miss riding my bike dangerously fast down Graham street. I miss laughing at things that, in retrospect, really weren't that funny. I miss fantasy--imagining worlds and the future.
When I was 18, I knew that life was a gilded path laid out for me. I would stay up with friends until 2am in the halls of Uj (my college dorm), talking about nothing and politics and love and friends from back home and plans for spring break; listening to music; planning our next campus takeover (shouts out to Blaction!); imagining what life would be like as an adult. It didn't matter if I got two hours of sleep. It didn't matter if I ate pizza for breakfast and Starbucks for lunch.
I miss that, too.
I miss carefree. The ability to just live every day and not get overly consumed by anxiety about money, bills, a loved one's illness, my job, the state of my relationship with my significant other, etc.
It hasn't in all senses been an exchange of careefree or happy for something negative like stress or sadness. Carefree has also been replaced in some instances with substance, pragmatism, responsibility, perspective, and wisdom. These are gifts and tools that I know serve me well, and will continue to do so as they expand. But... sometimes I long to just get my socks muddy. Sometimes I just want to laugh at nothing.
Where does "happy" go when you experience the heaviness of life? You can still have joy, contentment, satisfaction, gratitude, and still feel like "happy" in the eleven-year-old, muddy-socks sense of the word, has escaped you.
Isn't there still room for "happy"?
I may have lost my happy. Or, maybe I just need to look for it in different places?
What makes you happy? In the most lighthearted, innocent, even fleeting sense of the word? How do you preserve that in your life?