Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sometimes to start you have to just start. So this begins as a post about nothing, except I suppose life updates and reflections thereon. It's starting as a post about nothing because I feel like I have too much to say and the pressure is getting to me a little bit. So instead of expecting myself to write an epic work of staggering genius, I am just going to write this post about nothing and see where it takes us. (Right now, the inner-voice that is overly critical is saying, "That's right, Kia, set that bar nice and low!" But it's okay because that sassy inner-voice just retorted, "My low is well above the average girl/woman/soul's reach!" Watch out now! Just kidding. Sort of. Haha.) Anyway, here she goes:
I'm having one of those moments of clarity right now. More like a month-long "moment". There are definitely still some areas of my life in which things remain to be understood, but I think that's just part of the territory of being an over-thinker who nonetheless relies heavily on intuition, feeling, gut. So there's that, but in general, I feel like right now I see what I want, I see what I need to do to get there, and I feel like God is preparing me for a season of tremendous hard work that will be followed by a season of abundant harvest. It just might be the natural order of things. So many things have seemingly gone wrong in the past several months, perhaps it only makes sense that there's nowhere to look but up. I say this as a person who doesn't throw pity parties. Stuff has gone down. My family has experienced loss yet again, and to cancer at that. This has been a transformative experience, about which I will share more soon. It has been life changing and for that I'm grateful, even while it has been a very rough time. There have also been many points recently when I've felt my career path has been completely overrun with barriers and blockades, including those I put down myself. Some important personal relationships have changed, fallen away, and broken off, and as a result reshaped some very core aspects of my daily life and forced me to examine who I am and who I want to be. So in a nutshell, it's gone down. That's right. It's been real, son!
But, like I said, I feel like things are on the cusp of turning upward in a big way. Right now I am preparing to travel to Thailand and visit a good girl friend, I'm getting my new, wonderful living space the way I want it to be, and I'm catching up on some much-appreciated quiet time. Thank you God! I feel like I'm getting a brief little resting period before it's about to be on and poppin. I can feel it. And it feels great.
It also feels scary. Maybe because otherwise things would be too easy? Or things would be boring? Maybe both. But it reminds me of how I felt the other day when I took my nephews to the Family Fun Center (arcade, laser tag, rides, batting cage, go-carts, you get the picture) and we got on this thing called the Flying Swing. I don't have good spatial/depth perception but it felt like this thing took us up hundreds of feet in the air. You're just swinging around as you're strapped onto the metal pendulum and there are points where you're in the Superman position, just chillin in the air hanging on to this piece of metal but feeling like you might as well be on a shoe string. As we swung upward, I felt my stomach lurch down, I felt my throat close, my eyes widened, and I definitely felt a bit of dread. My nephews screamed. Billy even gave the signal to stop the ride, then proceededto beg the conductor to let him stay on. Embarrassment! But I digress. Once we were back up and running, as we made it to our high point and lingered in the air for what seemed like several seconds (couldn't have been, could it? No. Funny how the mind works though), all the yuckiness and dread went away and it just felt exhilarating. I looked around with intention (and not merely horror/anxiety), I breathed my surroundings in, I relished the sound of my nephews squealing, and I found that I couldn't stop laughing. It felt good!
I feel like the past month or so has been about swinging up. It's been cold metal strapping me down, second thoughts about whether this is a good idea, clammy hands, uncertainty, fear. Even while knowing that God has my back, that this ride is going to be rewarding in the end. I've had lots of that queazy, uneasy feeling lately.
And now I'm ready to laugh and to see the upswing.
Watch out, because Annie Sunshine is about to make an appearance--just briefly. She wants to remind you, as I have been reminded, that it's true what they say about how our dark moments provide the contrast through which we can truly appreciate the light. Even if you're like me, and there are some lingering shadows, and there remains some heaviness that is making the upswing a bit more labored than you'd like, just try to stay focused on that point of exhilaration and joy. It's coming.